SOOOOOOO…
If you’re reading this I’m assuming
that you are either seeking advice to get over an ass hole that broke your
heart OR you enjoy reading about my misfortunes. Either way, the point of this
is to help you. So I’m going to walk you through the steps of getting over someone.
First of all, you don’t need to
follow these guidelines, but recognize that if you don’t….you WILL get
Chlamydia. AND DIE.. (If you don’t get that movie quote then fuck you).
The first step to getting over the
person you love/loved/stalk is to have a complete fucking break down. Realize
that you will never be with that person again and let it ruin you for a
while. I’m talking: eating an
entire tub of ben and jerry’s, drinking too much whiskey and passing out on
your floor naked, or scrolling through your phone texting people to hook up
with/cry on. You may totally agree and attack this monster from a totally different angle. But! I believe once you hit BOTTOM, there’s nowhere to
go but up, up, up.
For example, the day I finally
realized I was never getting my ex back, I called up my best friend, and told
her I was coming to her and her boyfriends place. There I blacked out, peed on
the couch, and woke up at the neighbors in all of his clothing. That’s bottom.
Yes, I definitely felt like shit… but it gave me this sort of freedom. I wasn’t
thinking about my ex the next day. I was laughing about the fact that my
clothes were soaking wet in the shower. (Sorry Mer..I’m still confused too).
My point is: Let yourself do a
couple things you probably will regret but that will help you in the long run. (When I got home that day, hung over as
shit- probably still drunk, my sister-with some seemingly psychic powers popped
a bottle of Andre and said “we’re day drinking-man the fuck up” ).
Another GREAT way to get over someone/get
really hung over is to go to Vegas with your family for your brothers 21st
birthday. If you don’t have a brother turning 21, you should still go to Vegas
and get really plastered. Especially if you’re 18, like I was. When you’re 18, you
need to get a fake ID, or just use your older sisters. (It works like a charm).
Once you get to Vegas, you need to get VIP wristbands for you and your friends,
get really drunk, and end up in a suite at the Palms with the NFL Jets Team/T
Pain. It’s sexy. You can totally hangout/hookup with them too if you want to.
They’re tall and they have big hands. And I guarantee they’re hotter than they
guy you’re trying to get over. UNLESS you were dating a guy from the Jets or T
Pain; then don’t go.
Next. Go onto your iTunes and make
a new playlist. Title it: What NOW Fucker. On this playlist you must put all
the songs that are affiliated to this person. Listen to the playlist 2 times
through, finish a bottle of wine, and go to bed, crying. When you wake up…and
this is very important.. delete every.single.song. on that playlist.
Every
Single
Song
I hope you don’t cheat. Yes I get
that they’re great songs, and I get that you cant help it if you just HEAR it
one time. But don’t even put yourself in that dangerous position. It’s a trap.
Every time you hear “Pearl Jam- The End,” you’re going to sulk, ask your best friend
if you should text him, and no matter what your best friend says, you’re going
to do it. He wont reply, of course, so again… you’re fucked.
Delete them all. Once those are
deleted make yourself a new playlist. Put songs on there that remind you of
good times unaffiliated to him, songs that don’t have any minor chords (brain
will trigger sad thoughts immediately), or any Nickelback song. Nickelback is
the worst band that has ever come together. Artists like P!nk & Alanis
Morrisett should be acceptable for the most part. He broke your HEART? SO WHAT,
YOU’RE STILL A ROCKSTAR.
This next step is very difficult.
It’s so small… yet very important. VERY difficult. Grab your phone. Go to
Contacts. Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. (Unless his name starts with an “A” you’ll
need to scroll for it, bitches). Find it. Find the name. Yep… it’s
happening. Now listen to me.
Closely. I’m only saying it once. DELETE THAT SHIT. You’re officially never texting him ever again.
(This step has a loophole because many times I find that
women memorize their [ex] boyfriends numbers...or some weird shit like that…If
that’s the case for you, stop memorizing numbers, psychopath.)
Oh yes, this is just the beginning. :)
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